Just. Relax.

So very much easier said than done. Yet I never cease to marvel at how well it works when I can manage it. Everything is just okay if I can relax through it. Late to school? What's going to happen? Terrible headache? Complaining about it won't make it better. All the kids crying, at the same time? Well, they'll stop eventually. (I am not even pretending to talk about the really horrible stuff, just about everyday annoyances).
But when I am not successful at talking that approach, everything is stressful. And I can't imagine being able to relax through something as impossible as whatever it is I'm going through.
So I'm waiting to find what it is that will let me just chill through more stressful situations. I've gotten as far as realizing that relaxing doesn't make it pleasant, but it does make it more manageable and productive. And that the absolute worst thing to so in a stressful situation is panic, think negatively, blame and criticize. I first learned it getting ready for Shabbos, hating the panicked stress and miserable hungry children wailing as I lit Shabbos candles. This is not what it's supposed to be like. And I'm still trying, still trying.
People often say to me "You're always so calm! How do you do it?" and it's really not true, I am not always calm. I may be calm often (at least by current cultural standards where it's normal to curse at strangers whose driving habits you don't like), but certainly not always. I hope to be some day, if for no other reason than it's so much more pleasant to exist when I am calm. (Even the sound of the word is calm. Warm and quiet.:) In this way, being calm is like a mitzvah which is its own reward, one way of reading the saying "schar mitzvah, mitzvah," the reward of a mitzvah is a mitzvah. I think of that often.

The Importance of Maintaining Newness

... if it isn't an oxymoron. I had the oil changed today, so I needed to be around the oil-change-place, but not at home. I had originally planned to bring work and sit in their waiting area while the work was done, but boy am I glad I brought baby with me and was forced to WALK instead.

We had a glorious time, beautiful weather, walked around the lake (not the whole way), met a dear friend and talked a while, got WAY more exercise than I generally do on a Tuesday morning. Baby got a nice nap and I got to see people and places and sights that are normally not part of my life. And the whole time I was thinking, "This is great! I love walking with baby, why don't I do it more often? Look at all these people! They're exercising, spending time with friends, reading, people watching -- good for them! Why is this the first time that I've taken this route? And one of the first few that I've done more than just think about how nice it would be to walk down here?"

Now, I know the quick answer, which is that I don't have time. But I know myself and my schedule well enough to know that I have time for things when I make it. Meaning, if it's urgent enough, it'll get done. Like, say, feeding the children. They get downright noisy if you don't give them food. That's why my plants don't always do so well. They're too quiet.

The longer answer is that I am, well, consumed by my "to do" list. I feel compelled to get-things-done. Which is why, on lazy Sundays (I love that about this country), I often get bummed that I'm not doing enough. I should be taking advantage of the day, or at least getting work done around the house. When I don't, because the kids require my attention (I don't actually ignore them completely), I feel like I've done nothing and wasted a perfectly good day.

On the other hand, if I have a busy work day and run from one thing to the next, so long as I don't lose my balance (literally and figuratively), I feel super. Accomplished.

I've resolved plenty of times to rise above the mundane and keep my focus on other goals that are important to me as well such as furthering my education in lots of different areas, hiking more, planning days off better, tweaking our families' nutritional life -- but change happens so slowly, especially while working, raising children and trying to keep the house clean and organized. I guess the important thing is to keep moving in the right direction, even though sometimes it seems like I won't get back on my personal horse until I'm about fifty. We'll see.